Reverie

Remember the rains in summer? The sudden gusts of wind, the smiles it pulled With the smell of home and hope and sudden romance? Getting drenched in relief  Our laughter mingling as we rushed past the teeming traffic Colourful umbrellas, puddles and rainbows Our hands held tight, hearts beating fast? On days like this, I often close my eyes And allow myself to travel back in time To those carefree days of youth and joy And rain and laughter And old-school romance. #reverie

Why is it always the head and never the heart? Is it really a good defense mechanism or plain fear?  Stop, I can't count my losses anymore. I wrap all the pain up around me and take another nap wishing not to wake up. All this pretense makes the mind cloudy, how do you go on pretending not to care? I no longer pray for their happiness. Maybe happiness is not real. I am too scared of the water to learn to swim. Maybe drowning isn't that bad. #reverie

Oh my lonely love Talking, talking, words slowly dripping All over the carpet of my being Vanishing mistletoes  Our forever didn't last long Singing softly screaming internally Mayhem madness chaotic calmness I loved you so Past tense scratched off your list Another old memory to burn Casual sex cruel games Meaning and subtext Brimming blues Miss your hands Walk with me Take me with you  Wherever you go. #reverie

I know it gets too much some days. The disbelief, the hurt and the disappointment. The disappointment gets you every time. You tell yourself that you don't expect anything anymore. And yet, every time how the world manages to disappoint and lower the bar even more is fascinatingly macabre.  Despite the odds you struggle. You reach out again. Get up, dust yourself and paint a smile on your face. No more tears. If a fucking shampoo bottle can say it, surely you can repeat it to yourself too. But then the tears are important. Each one you shed tells you more about yourself. It is your heart letting you know where she draws a line. All the compromises and the sacrifices. But there will always be a limit. Breaking point. I hope it never gets to that point. Stop, contemplate. Perhaps this isn't meant for you. Maybe choose another road. I know it isn't easy but why make it worse for them too?  Another reminder to self. Another sleepless night. Another sunrise. Daybreak shouldn...

We didn't know what it was Mostly felt like comfort Coming back to the same old spots Trying to rewrite that one summer Of so long ago when everything was perfect Like written in a song perfect Inked on your skin like a tattoo perfect The smell of fresh rain on soil perfect Like your hand curled in mine perfect Walking down deserted streets on a weekday night  Joking about our impending futures Laughing to hide the sadness waiting to overwhelm us both Never ready for goodbyes Looking away quickly when our eyes meet at the grocery aisle Waiting in line for that perfect moment to say it out loud Never mind, maybe next time Years whirl by us so fast Summers roll into winters and summer peeks its head in again Like a promise kept but never made Waiting to hear your voice in the rain again Laughing at the carnival  Shooting balloons and eating funnelcakes It's been a long year of longing for more Quick, hide July's on its way out Bowing and preening like the bitch ballerina it i...

What spells Christmas louder than the church bells and the clinking of sherry glasses?  The warm embrace of a friend who plans vacations just to see you. The thought put behind the one bringing you your favourite sweets knowing how you crave them on those particularly long nights. Christmas is neighbours coming together to deck the halls in ribbons and holly for that newborn kid whose smile lights up the darkest of days. It is the miser shelling out her coffers for that one coveted handbag for her beloved. It is the lazy man going out to buy the best wine for his lover and putting a crooked ribbon on the bottle in an earnest attempt at a bow. It is in that one girl calling her old friend knowing how alone she feels during the holidays. It is in the effort of a brother bringing his car around after a long day at work to drive his sister to the lane of lights. In that delighted smile of the househelp after taking a bite of the chocolate bar. In the crinkled old letter of a love long ...

Running door to door Knocking, knuckles bloodied Painted smiles, making acquaintances Hoping for that click of the jigsaw Fear of being left behind colouring my nights white with terror Refusal, denial and another breakdown Routine, the usual blend of cream and extra sugar Not another tragic afterthought Left at the station Missed the bus by a minute The train by a long shot Lonely altar, broken vows Framed distress, love on the sheets Their beliefs, my heart, your unwritten notes from hell I fucking miss your empty words and stolen kisses Coffee breath and latent dreams Did we become a one-shot tragedy after all? #reverie Dec 2, 2022

I could cry me a river  Hold my hand and count to three Breathe in your wintry smugness Delight in the eggnog and marshmallow hugs I could drink myself to merriment or madness Lament your name and whisper it into the wind Lick and savour each drop of cheer Ring in the bells of shallow love Hymns of tomorrow fogging my mind She is slightly touched in the head A smile so warm to melt your sorrows Arms so strong to witness your vigour Fearless, fearful, carelessly careful I am free tonight  Dancing in my socks to her cavalier tune Take me by surprise by the sudden daylight Here I find heartsease  Here I find melancholic repose Lost and found in my own reverie I catch myself as I fall into place. - Persephone December 17th, 2022

Running in circles playing the never-ending blame game The victim or the villain Why me? Self-loathing and denial Deceptions and betrayals Broke all ethics Lost to myself I give up Hold my hands up in surrender Hang me at the altar of your witch-hunt Coward, bully, lover, foe We were never really friends My bloody hands and broken back Laying down the weight of your anger Push me down the stairs of your tower Throw the lies out the window Barren hearth, haunted house Don't you dare bring her home Parlour tricks and expensive gifts Fooled me twice with those eyes Kingdom of ghosts haunt me now Wicked wishes unholy thoughts May you live long, may you thrive You know how things could have been worse Always on my mind never gone Best intentions etched on my tomb Gather my bones and write a song Someday perhaps you'll grow a spine Come to me then when you're not afraid Till then my love, go to hell. #reverie Dec 22, 2022

Life these days consists of an endless onslaught of dejávù.  Neon lights, anxiety, nausea, night terrors Hook, line and sinker for the same old story We all know the ending and yet. Sipping on another cup of Americano Skipped the sugar this time He tells me some ridiculous first-date story in hopes of eliciting a laugh or two I fake a smile for his sake again My stomach turns at the doe-eyed look they exchange The vacancy in my expression doesn't give me away I hope They're dancing to some slow song which I tune out  I am already counting backwards from 100 in my head Shut out the noise, cancel the taciturn rhythm of my tell-tale heart as it prepares for another meltdown Not now, he glares at me from behind his glasses I breathe in through my mouth The staleness of cigarettes and something stronger fills the air Missing you is a habit I try to quell But missing my old self is an unfortunate side-effect  The pills will hit soon I hope as I slowly close my eyes refusing to ...

I've done my penance My sins accounted for Cried blood tears for every soul I hurt knowingly or otherwise She didn't hear my sorry excuses, no, Karma doesn't take no prisoners for free Served my time  Humbled I kneel Was drowning from the guilt of inflicted pain Were your intentions pure? Can you testify at her altar? To all those who wronged her  She'll hunt you down  Break your insolent pride All the scars you carved on my back  Lies, crocodile tears, adulterer's insolence How replaceable and small you made me feel Never trust a wordsmith They'll break you apart and blame you for the cracks Hiding behind words  Recycling old letters Reused, recycled, rejected Insecurity, jealousy, overthinking Cycle of hurt I hope you never hand over your keys again I hope never to hold a knife again Break the curse  Brush off the dust Never again They'll get what they deserve like you did Dash all false hopes Promises of Neverland only led to Wonderland And who wants to ...

- Strength in vulnerability? Don't make me laugh. - You can laugh?  - Haha. Very funny. How far are you willing to go to bury it all? You push your vulnerabilities down, deep enough so they don't re-surface at ungodly hours to haunt you. Whom do you hide your weakness from? The world or your own conscience? The world couldn't care less. So it's just you and the mirror. I wonder if you smother it strongly enough, does it kill you? One strike at a time. You know how they twist the knife in so that when you try to pull it out, it guts you internally. They call it a slow death.  #reverie  Jan.20, 2023

I didn't know how to explain this unsettling feeling inside me. This rolling rumbling disconcerting tightening of the chest muscles or the tensing of the stomach walls. Heart-burn or heartache?  Social butterfly afraid to show emotional intimacy. Craving for recognition and affection. Feelings like quicksand. Sensitive to the core yet such a cold frontier. Easy to read yet so hard to discern. Broken shards of self respect, gaping holes in their hollow promises. Clingy, emotional, needy. Everything you despised all wrapped together with a fancy bow. All for the show? Shamed for having loved and lost. Day in and day out mocked for being soft. Laughing stock in exchange for party favours. Broke skin again on the shrapnels of their dissociation. Baited, cheated on and left on read. Annotations on the side of the book she sent me. Little scribbles, dotted with hearts. My feet hurt from the aimless walks. The path is chiselled with her words of warning. Too many signs, so little time....

 Of late life has become this series of: "Congratulations, here's one more thing you really suck at!" Another life skill you thought you'd excel in but whoopedoo whattashocker you're a total lost cause.  Inevitably some days you get up and pat yourself on the back saying, "With practice it'll get better. You just need more practice!" Hello, who are we kidding? It's been a long trial run. An onslaught of failed attempts. Maybe that is what adulting ultimately is. Putting on a brave face at the face of cascading failures and disappointments. Brushing the dust off, chugging down another cup of (not so well brewed) coffee that has gone cold and typing out a long draft of a cover letter.  Going at life wearing a "Hustle culture" tee and crying on the bus ride home. Picking up groceries and being ghosted on dating apps. Navigating stock markets and bulk ordering on a black friday sale.  A merry-go-round of birthdays, anniversaries and funeral...

  I marvel at how you romanticise broken cups and use them to plant rosemaries in your kitchen garden Smile at unwelcome rainclouds and put on retro hindi songs How every fight with you turns into a heart-to-heart and a bone-crushing hug How even at your lowest you never disrespect your perpetrators Anger doesn't end in fistfights and a power struggle How it's us against the problem and not you versus me How I don't have to explain myself in fear of being thought of as 'too much' I can cling to you and not be 'clingy' Stand my ground and not be a 'feminazi' It's been a long day of balance sheets and bar charts And coming home doesn't feel like purgatory Laughing or not laughing at your jokes  is not a task anymore I pick daisies from mountain sides to put in your hair and don't think of clicking a picture for the world to see I don't write sonnets for you but you find yourself in every verse anyway Winter hasn't felt this warm bef...

 With the advent of the Winter and the year end festivities, I am often visited by an old friend of mine. Unlike Santa, this friend of mine doesn't shimmy himself down my chimney on Christmas eve. She knocks on my door unannounced, during New year's on some years but often she drops in with the early north winds as Autumn sheds her leaves and preps for the cold months. She brings in her wake a chilly nothingness and a draft of hopelessness. She curls up beside me on my unmade bed, pulls up the covers and rests her head on the pile of laundry yet to be put away.  She was supposed to be a comforting friend, a companion on those cold, lonely days yet the closer I hold onto her, the emptier and more drained out I feel. I started to dread the Christmas festivities as it meant the slow but sure nosedive of my mood and energy levels into the arms of my friend and my nemesis, Seasonal Affective Disorder or SAD (what an incredibly fitting acronym). This year as I slowly start sinking i...