Feeling SAD as the year ends. - Is it Winter blues or 'Seasonal Affective Disorder'?

 With the advent of the Winter and the year end festivities, I am often visited by an old friend of mine. Unlike Santa, this friend of mine doesn't shimmy himself down my chimney on Christmas eve. She knocks on my door unannounced, during New year's on some years but often she drops in with the early north winds as Autumn sheds her leaves and preps for the cold months. She brings in her wake a chilly nothingness and a draft of hopelessness. She curls up beside me on my unmade bed, pulls up the covers and rests her head on the pile of laundry yet to be put away. 

She was supposed to be a comforting friend, a companion on those cold, lonely days yet the closer I hold onto her, the emptier and more drained out I feel. I started to dread the Christmas festivities as it meant the slow but sure nosedive of my mood and energy levels into the arms of my friend and my nemesis, Seasonal Affective Disorder or SAD (what an incredibly fitting acronym). This year as I slowly start sinking into the blues, I wanted to talk about it in detail. And in search of a safe space and a judgement-free platform to air my thoughts, I ventured into blogging. 

Of late, I have been finding it increasingly difficult to voice my opinions without the fear of a backlash or a slew of conflicting and mostly damaging comments undermining my sense of self. It is more my anxiety of not being accepted than the actual reception of my ideas and thoughts that have me on edge. As a recovering people pleaser, I am on a journey to pave my road for a more comfortable, saner and hopefully  healthier path to growth. Here's to healing generational trauma and unlearning the deeply engrained societal and patriarchal masquerade I have subjected myself to, for the past twenty five years of my life. It has been mostly an uphill battle with my own beliefs and familial expectations. But for every setback, there have also been these little moments of immense joy and liberation, and a sense of inner peace. Not sure how to explain this deep sense of groundedness I feel when I am at peace with my own decisions that are less influenced by external entities and more centred around a sense of heartsease.

I have considered therapy of-course but didn't find myself either comfortable or inclined to the idea of it. I would however try group therapy once. The more I have researched on it, the more I have warmed up to the idea and I do personally feel that it would suit me more. 

Now, coming to the topic of SAD, yes, I am no stranger to sleeping in on consecutive work-days, refusing to get up from the bed to the extent where I wondered whether I was going to fuse with the bed and become a joint entity - bedman (bed+human, Yes, I know my sense of humour is broken). There have been days when I couldn't differentiate between day and night and waking up made zero sense. Even answering a text or checking Outlook notifications seemed ginormous tasks. I would somehow crawl out to feed myself and forgot when I had taken a shower last. Then came the onslaught of COVID, seasonal allergies, quarantine and home-isolation. It was like the Night King was rejoicing his win in the battle of Winterfell while his Army of Whitewalkers took over the lands of the living, leaving an unending cold night in their wake. A gaping, heaving unnerving numbnesss that seemed to stretch endlessly. But luckily, even the coldest of the winter snows melted away into Spring, slowly but surely. It took time, a season-change, a hike in the temperature and unwavering support from family and friends to pull me out of the gloom. I remember somebody whispering words of affirmations, encouragement and a constant reminder of "Nothing lasts forever. This too shall pass." Seemed very cliché at the moment yet it has stuck by me still.

Combating SAD is no easy deal, I like to think of her as a frenemy rather than an adversary. I prefer to say that I sit with her, empathise and walk her slowly out the door after treating her rather than attempting to challenge her into a futile combat. I try to change my eating habits, maintain logs, work in fitness titbits into my schedule but no matter what you do, some days it is gonna hit you. And all you can do is keep breathing, close your eyes and 'try' to be be safe in the faith and knowledge from prior experiences that it will get better. 'Try' being the keyword here.

I could cry me a river 

Hold my hand and count to three

Breathe in your wintry smugness

Delight in the eggnog and marshmallow hugs

I could drink myself to merriment or madness

Lament your name and whisper it into the wind

Lick and savour each drop of cheer

Ring in the bells of shallow love

Hymns of tomorrow fogging my mind

She is slightly touched in the head

A smile so warm to melt your sorrows

Arms so strong to witness your vigour

Fearless, fearful, carelessly careful

I am free tonight 

Dancing in my socks to her cavalier tune

Take me by surprise by the sudden daylight

Here I find heartsease 

Here I find melancholic repose

Lost and found in my own reverie

I catch myself as I fall into place.

- Persephone

December 17th, 2022