I didn't know how to explain this unsettling feeling inside me. This rolling rumbling disconcerting tightening of the chest muscles or the tensing of the stomach walls. Heart-burn or heartache? 

Social butterfly afraid to show emotional intimacy. Craving for recognition and affection. Feelings like quicksand. Sensitive to the core yet such a cold frontier. Easy to read yet so hard to discern. Broken shards of self respect, gaping holes in their hollow promises. Clingy, emotional, needy. Everything you despised all wrapped together with a fancy bow. All for the show?

Shamed for having loved and lost. Day in and day out mocked for being soft. Laughing stock in exchange for party favours. Broke skin again on the shrapnels of their dissociation. Baited, cheated on and left on read. Annotations on the side of the book she sent me. Little scribbles, dotted with hearts. My feet hurt from the aimless walks. The path is chiselled with her words of warning. Too many signs, so little time. 

Crossed a sea for them and yet no port in sight, no safe haven. Barracks of lost souls, unwanted sailors. Once lost at sea seeking refuge. I dream of a day when it will not hurt. To love, to lose or to call her mine. Her name on his lips, almost a prayer. I try to speak but fall short every time. Words are lies after all. 

Every day a new ball game. New rules, new players, new tricks to master. Tired but no place to rest. Stagnancy won us no gold coins. Accolades he wanted, she wanted a home. Too many rebuttals, too many doubts. What-ifs wear us down like the heavines of your opinions. Curtain call, lecherous hands, begging souls starved for warmth. Bring me the horizon, kiss my mouth. Don't hold her back, just let him go. My hands reek of her blood tonight as I killed her slowly with hope and light.

#reverie 

March 14, 2023

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