Reverie

I saw a different sort of fire upon the mountains. The kind that riots on the roadsides. Claiming the dust and debris. Orange flowers burning in the sun. Glowing embers amidst the dust storm of the mountain roads. Wildflowers or open hearts I never could tell the difference. Then there was the glowing frost upon her crown. Glistening white full of promises of possibilities. You were my Everest. Never just a conquest or an expedition, but a silent prayer standing true in the quakes of time. 'Naseeb' they say, 'destiny'. What is written in the pages of her shrine cannot be denied.  As I woke again from a sleep cut short, filled with the knowledge and truth of the pain and the loneliness despite the company, realisation hit me again. At the face of scepticism, even your biggest champion will not trust. Some battles are yours alone. They can love from a distance but may never really believe your truth. And yet there are those who will go to war for you yet never fully compr...

" I want to be with you, it is as simple, and as complicated as that. " – Charles Bukowski

“I will remember the kisses our lips raw with love and how you gave me everything you had and how I offered you what was left of me , and I will remember your small room the feel of you the light in the window your records your books our morning coffee our noons our nights our bodies spilled together sleeping the tiny flowing currents immediate and forever your leg my leg your arm my arm your smile and the warmth of you who made me laugh again .” – Charles Bukowski

Some days you wish you were back in school. Nonchalance and ignorance were blissful attributes indeed. No cares, stress or uncertainty colouring every step. Worrying eats at you, till your insides turn to putty. If you shut it all off and turn it down do you become less human? The dichotomy of feeling and thinking is overwhelming. One is the precursor to the other one. There is no way to pick any one of the two.  Oblivion cannot be a solution when you start caring. Caring and feeling, dangerous things. They invite with them euphoria, promises of fairytales and the responsibilities that are entailed. Love, duty and social constructs. Navigation skills challenged on the daily. Frequent flyer you maybe but how strong is your ground crew? You think you know them but do you indeed? Your strengths, weaknesses, qualities...self reflection is the hardest pill to swallow. Perhaps, one day we'll learn what it is that makes us 'us'. Till then it's all but just a pursuit of that fe...

I wish you'd write me a eulogy I'm so tired of being just an afterthought A careless doodle on the margin Wrecklessly forlorn On some days it doesn't matter But on days like these It seems so utterly important somehow To matter  I don't often peg you as a sentimentalist Far from it But darling, even Hades fell for Persephone Or so I like to believe Swirling into the wintry mists Like a foggy remnant of promised escapades I whisper your name often into the night air Hoping to catch you unawares for a brief moment I wish you'd write me a eulogy Even if it's a lie Perhaps the adieu will hold the words of affection I so craved to hear from your lips Let the ink bleed the unsaid lies Betrayer hunter fool Romanticising death as the future threatens to tear us apart I wish you'd write me a eulogy #reverie 12/9/2021

Double standards Stubborn hearts Masking hurt Making excuses on their behalf Anger or grief Nursing loneliness Not your home All for the show Numbing the blows No sleep for the wicked Envy or ire Gluttony on the rocks Love served cold on a platter Dancing on her funeral pyre Bloodied feet wrapped in golden anklets Poison truth and lips sworn shut Little lights of a burning aeroplane Grey skies on a full moon night Vulnerability or another liability Cold hard cash counted and caressed Fears and desires trickling down slow Harrowed eyes whispered prayers Not my god Our religion Faith or cut-glass oaths Mercy on you Pagans all Ostracized beggars of momentary proximity #reverie Aug 30, 2023

The more that these questions pool in my mind, the more I am drawn into the abyss of existential dread. The horrors, the enigma and the wonder of it all. The joys, the thrills, the throes of passion. Regaling screams or loving moans..all the same? Broken people love better. I concur. Your callousses are my salvation. Hurt me once, cry a river. Hurt you twice, shame on your naivety. Beggars can be choosers. Lost ships do get found post storm. Even if it is but a wreckage. Treasure can be found in the wreckage after all. #reverie

Daybreak It's easy to get riled up and give in to the hate. I imagine at times what it'd be like to be kind. So kind that when they spew their venom, you want to stop and ask them if they're feeling alright. What hurt them to trigger the vitriol? Where does it hurt? Let me be kind. Empathy is an uphill trek, but the view at the top is worth it.  #reverie

I am terrified that you'll misunderstand or understand too much. See me for who I am or not see the real me. Either way, I am terrified of you leaving. I didn't know it was possible to feel this way - the way I feel when I'm with you. But now that i have tasted you, I don't ever wanna let you go, let this - 'us' go. I earnestly hope we work out. You're in all my prayers now. I know it's early still but I hope this isn't another short-lived euphoria. Let this not be a poem but a novel of sorts. An epic and a happy one at that. I want us to last a lifetime. Please stay. #reverie

 

 

It's a quiet kind of day today. No 'shor' in my head despite the bustle outside the office doors. It's a peaceful day (however, let's not jinx it)..not many people in the office. A rare, quiet day amidst the chaos of adulthood.  #reverie

I hope you aren't a fan of tragic love stories.

Let's just say it isn't easy. I could already see what it would be like. But choosing to step back and walk away, is my way of reclaiming my sanity. Not letting myself go through it. I need to be kind to myself first. I can't keep giving till my hands and heart bleed. Walking on egg-shells for a lifetime cannot be a lifestyle. I choose myself again. I am sorry I cannot be who they want me to be. I am not really sorry, no. 

It takes time. All we have is time now with us. 

Could be a lie. Or not. Yearnings and heartbreaks. Beloved or just unloved. Transactional, cold, contractual. Sorrow brims over as the hollowness of it all surfaces again. Too many curtains. Too many words. Never enough time, never the right words. Doubts and questions. So many questions. Too early to voice, too late to withdraw. Catch and burn. Whom to believe? Faith, innocence or naivety? Crafty letters, masks and balls. They made a liar out of us too. #reverie

There has to be more. There has to be more to us than this feeling. Of despair and dread. If only I didn't feel this need to beg. Moving out of the rooms not meant for me and shutting and locking the doors for good. Not looking back. My sanity shouldn't be a switch in their hands. It hurts in so many places. Places I've forgotten names of. Places where I couldn't even bleed if they held a knife at. Unraveling the threads, bare bodied and glorious. Poetry, words and honey dripping from her tongue. Caged birds forgotten to fly. Never knew the taste of freedom. Haunted and wanted. I just wanted to be held. In prayers and sins, engraved on your heart. Too many questions? I only wanted to know. The weight pulls me under. The waves rush over. Drowning, mourning, celestial love. If not this, then what else? If not us, then nobody ever. Promise? No. Swear on the wind beneath his wings. I choose you. Over and over again.  #reverie

 

"If the sun don't shine on me today And if the subways flood and bridges break Will you lay yourself down and dig your grave Or will you rail against the dying day?" When I stand on the precipice of nothing and everything, the scream inside doesn't often translate to anything on the surface. I miss you, but I miss my innocence more. The naive, easy-going believer of lies. Always looking at the silver lining. Where did she go? She breathed her last that fateful night when the world tore her wings from her body while she bore it all in silent agony. Pleas were shed in bloody tears. Deceitful world, burn my city to charrs.  I swear it gets better, they said. Words. More lies. But what if this time we choose differently? What if we make sure to write our story the way we want it to pan out? Hearts, flowers, guns, glory, music, poetry et-al? We make it better. For your sake and mine.  Thoughts? #reverie

"You leapt from crumbling bridges Watching cityscapes turn to dust Filming helicopters crashing In the ocean from way above Got the music in you, baby Tell me why Got the music in you, baby Tell me why You've been locked in here forever And you just can't say goodbye Kisses on the foreheads of the lovers Wrapped in your arms You've been hiding them in hollowed out pianos Left in the dark Got the music in you, baby Tell me why Got the music in you, baby Tell me why You've been locked in here forever And you just can't say goodbye Your lips, my lips Apocalypse Your lips, my lips Apocalypse Go and sneak us through the rivers Flood is rising up on your knees Oh, please Come out and haunt me I know you want me Come out and haunt me Sharing all your secrets with each other Since you were kids Sleeping soundly with the locket that she gave you Clutched in your fist Got the music in you, baby Tell me why Got the music in you, baby Tell me why You've been locked in ...

Someday perhaps I'll learn my limitations. Curb my enthusiasm. Respect boundaries. These regrets that keep on piling have no end. All the sorrow I have accumulated with no place to go holds me down and some nights the floodgates open leaving me inundated.  How we miscalculate, and aim for things not meant for us. They lie when they tell you to aim for the moon. Calculate the risks and don't go overboard especially in matters of the heart.  Someday we'll learn dissociation. Never overestimate. The ground is too far away and it hurts to go crashing down.  Do not engage. Do NOT engage. 

Remember the rains in summer? The sudden gusts of wind, the smiles it pulled With the smell of home and hope and sudden romance? Getting drenched in relief  Our laughter mingling as we rushed past the teeming traffic Colourful umbrellas, puddles and rainbows Our hands held tight, hearts beating fast? On days like this, I often close my eyes And allow myself to travel back in time To those carefree days of youth and joy And rain and laughter And old-school romance. #reverie

Why is it always the head and never the heart? Is it really a good defense mechanism or plain fear?  Stop, I can't count my losses anymore. I wrap all the pain up around me and take another nap wishing not to wake up. All this pretense makes the mind cloudy, how do you go on pretending not to care? I no longer pray for their happiness. Maybe happiness is not real. I am too scared of the water to learn to swim. Maybe drowning isn't that bad. #reverie

Oh my lonely love Talking, talking, words slowly dripping All over the carpet of my being Vanishing mistletoes  Our forever didn't last long Singing softly screaming internally Mayhem madness chaotic calmness I loved you so Past tense scratched off your list Another old memory to burn Casual sex cruel games Meaning and subtext Brimming blues Miss your hands Walk with me Take me with you  Wherever you go. #reverie

I know it gets too much some days. The disbelief, the hurt and the disappointment. The disappointment gets you every time. You tell yourself that you don't expect anything anymore. And yet, every time how the world manages to disappoint and lower the bar even more is fascinatingly macabre.  Despite the odds you struggle. You reach out again. Get up, dust yourself and paint a smile on your face. No more tears. If a fucking shampoo bottle can say it, surely you can repeat it to yourself too. But then the tears are important. Each one you shed tells you more about yourself. It is your heart letting you know where she draws a line. All the compromises and the sacrifices. But there will always be a limit. Breaking point. I hope it never gets to that point. Stop, contemplate. Perhaps this isn't meant for you. Maybe choose another road. I know it isn't easy but why make it worse for them too?  Another reminder to self. Another sleepless night. Another sunrise. Daybreak shouldn...

We didn't know what it was Mostly felt like comfort Coming back to the same old spots Trying to rewrite that one summer Of so long ago when everything was perfect Like written in a song perfect Inked on your skin like a tattoo perfect The smell of fresh rain on soil perfect Like your hand curled in mine perfect Walking down deserted streets on a weekday night  Joking about our impending futures Laughing to hide the sadness waiting to overwhelm us both Never ready for goodbyes Looking away quickly when our eyes meet at the grocery aisle Waiting in line for that perfect moment to say it out loud Never mind, maybe next time Years whirl by us so fast Summers roll into winters and summer peeks its head in again Like a promise kept but never made Waiting to hear your voice in the rain again Laughing at the carnival  Shooting balloons and eating funnelcakes It's been a long year of longing for more Quick, hide July's on its way out Bowing and preening like the bitch ballerina it i...

What spells Christmas louder than the church bells and the clinking of sherry glasses?  The warm embrace of a friend who plans vacations just to see you. The thought put behind the one bringing you your favourite sweets knowing how you crave them on those particularly long nights. Christmas is neighbours coming together to deck the halls in ribbons and holly for that newborn kid whose smile lights up the darkest of days. It is the miser shelling out her coffers for that one coveted handbag for her beloved. It is the lazy man going out to buy the best wine for his lover and putting a crooked ribbon on the bottle in an earnest attempt at a bow. It is in that one girl calling her old friend knowing how alone she feels during the holidays. It is in the effort of a brother bringing his car around after a long day at work to drive his sister to the lane of lights. In that delighted smile of the househelp after taking a bite of the chocolate bar. In the crinkled old letter of a love long ...

Running door to door Knocking, knuckles bloodied Painted smiles, making acquaintances Hoping for that click of the jigsaw Fear of being left behind colouring my nights white with terror Refusal, denial and another breakdown Routine, the usual blend of cream and extra sugar Not another tragic afterthought Left at the station Missed the bus by a minute The train by a long shot Lonely altar, broken vows Framed distress, love on the sheets Their beliefs, my heart, your unwritten notes from hell I fucking miss your empty words and stolen kisses Coffee breath and latent dreams Did we become a one-shot tragedy after all? #reverie Dec 2, 2022

I could cry me a river  Hold my hand and count to three Breathe in your wintry smugness Delight in the eggnog and marshmallow hugs I could drink myself to merriment or madness Lament your name and whisper it into the wind Lick and savour each drop of cheer Ring in the bells of shallow love Hymns of tomorrow fogging my mind She is slightly touched in the head A smile so warm to melt your sorrows Arms so strong to witness your vigour Fearless, fearful, carelessly careful I am free tonight  Dancing in my socks to her cavalier tune Take me by surprise by the sudden daylight Here I find heartsease  Here I find melancholic repose Lost and found in my own reverie I catch myself as I fall into place. - Persephone December 17th, 2022

Running in circles playing the never-ending blame game The victim or the villain Why me? Self-loathing and denial Deceptions and betrayals Broke all ethics Lost to myself I give up Hold my hands up in surrender Hang me at the altar of your witch-hunt Coward, bully, lover, foe We were never really friends My bloody hands and broken back Laying down the weight of your anger Push me down the stairs of your tower Throw the lies out the window Barren hearth, haunted house Don't you dare bring her home Parlour tricks and expensive gifts Fooled me twice with those eyes Kingdom of ghosts haunt me now Wicked wishes unholy thoughts May you live long, may you thrive You know how things could have been worse Always on my mind never gone Best intentions etched on my tomb Gather my bones and write a song Someday perhaps you'll grow a spine Come to me then when you're not afraid Till then my love, go to hell. #reverie Dec 22, 2022