Now it is done 

Dusted even

All the things I did not mean

I was too self absorbed and selfish

Ego and pride

No mind of my own, so easily influenced

I was fearful and running at full throttle

Shutting down the neuron pathways

Leading me to facts and truths

Truth can be a bitter pill but it can also be multifaced

The hurt was real, yes, but on both ends

I am so sorry, I cannot 

I was so wrong and so shallow

Unfeeling even and so brutal

Cruel, guarded and didn't have the balls to be vulnerable - not in the true sense

To actually be honest or even have the strength to face down my fears and stand for my dreams or for anything really

It is so easy to blame others without ever looking inwards

I am so sorry for having inflicted so much pain

For never having the guts to ever communicate or to actually put in some real effort

Always leaving, always running away

Always distracting myself

Always shutting down, tuning out

When will I live

When will I have courage

When will I be alive


All my words were lies

I am no wordsmith

All I do is lie

Copy pasting through life

Not a single original thought

All I did was hurt and pain you all

Trying to grasp at all thw wrong things

Never valuing the real things

I wouldn't know love if it stared straight at me or hit me with a saucepan to my face

So oblivious and so fucking cruel

Selfish and self centred to a fault

Painting you as villains

Never taking accountability

Never fixing my own shortcomings

Such tall tales and lies I wove

My mirror cracked open wide

I never deserved you all

Always too good and too true perhaps


I hope to grow and learn from the old

The pictures don't lie

The tumbling words that had overflown were real

The music and the poetry were always there

But I was too blind and not sensitive enough

Not receptive enough

I will try this time I swear

For you I will

I owe that to my life and the memories

I will be worthy of love, of life, of you

I swear.


#reverie

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